


Jealousy Gets You Everywhere

by sparkly_butthole



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Frottage, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 12:49:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15291870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: But - and he’s not entirely certain of this - he’s seen the look Shepard’s given him from time to time. Heated, hooded. Hidden. Like something he wants to pick apart and see how it works. Take apart and put back together again in a new, better shape.Maybe he’s projecting but… he doesn’t think so. He’s not usually wrong about this sort of thing.But even if Shepard’s looking in Kaidan’s direction, he seemed pretty interested in the asari, too.Written for Kaidan Porn Week 2018





	Jealousy Gets You Everywhere

‘Art appreciation.’ He’d actually said that. Out loud.

 

Kaidan leans in to that damn console and presses the buttons on the screen. No go. Still. This is the dumbest day in the history of days. First he breaks one of Shepard’s computers - right outside his quarters, no less - and then he calls the asari ‘art appreciation.’

 

A, it’s not like he’s some kind of… creep who only sees females as objects. And B, it’s not like he’s really interested in anyone but Shepard himself.

 

Kaidan sighs and pulls out the electronic screwdriver, settling in for the long haul. He sits on the floor to get comfortable, too - might as well. But boy oh boy, he is not looking forward to seeing Shepard again. Even though at the same time he is.

 

_What is wrong with you, Alenko? Got the hots for your commander? You should know better._

 

But - and he’s not entirely certain of this - he’s seen the look Shepard’s given him from time to time. Heated, hooded. Hidden. Like something he wants to pick apart and see how it works. Take apart and put back together again in a new, better shape.

 

Maybe he’s projecting but… he doesn’t think so. He’s not usually wrong about this sort of thing.

But even if Shepard’s looking in Kaidan’s direction, he seemed pretty interested in the asari, too.

 

Kaidan plays around with the computer for a little bit, but only half of his heart is in it. The rest of his heart is beating out of its chest with anticipation and worry - that he’s said or done the wrong thing, that he’s a hot fucking mess. It doesn’t take him long to give up and wander away in search of something to drink - preferably some of that sweet whiskey his mama always sends him. He sure could use it.

 

***

 

A few hours (and drinks) later, Kaidan finds himself eavesdropping. Shepard’s in the med bay talking to Liara and Dr. Chakwas about… Liara’s condition, the asari’s projects, a few other tidbits. They’re not exactly staying quiet - so much for doctor/patient confidentiality - but he still knows better, so this kind of behavior bothers him at first. At least it does until he decides that he’s on an ‘intel-gathering mission,’ at which point he bursts into giggles and almost gives himself away.

 

Settled by the wall that separates the med-bay from the deck, Kaidan listens as intently as he can, given the amount of alcohol he’s had.

 

“Commander, I can’t help but notice your crew is rather… varied. That’s rare for an Alliance vessel.”

 

“Well, technically, this vessel was built by a human-turian alliance. It was an act of good faith on everyone’s part. It’s good that we have a non-human crew here, even though it makes some of the Alliance members nervous. We could use the experience working with those who are different than ourselves.”

 

“Well, that’s very noble of you.”

 

Kaidan scowls at the flirtatious tone of Liara’s voice. ‘Art’ she may be, but that doesn’t give her leave to flirt with his commander.

 

 _His_ commander, like Kaidan has any hold on the man.

 

He rolls his eyes - at Liara, at himself for being such a dolt - but he doesn’t leave the wall. He’s not sure if he could at this point.

 

“Well, we have an important mission to focus on, and it’ll require not just humanity’s best, but the galaxy’s to get to the bottom of it.”

 

Liara’s voice sobers a bit. “Yes. And I can’t believe my mother… she was never the warmest person, but her presence was solid… not righteous, but morally strong. I didn’t see this coming from her.”

 

Shepard’s voice goes soft, and it gives Kaidan a chill. “I don’t think most of the galaxy did, Liara. It sounds like she was brainwashed. And she warned us, before her final attack. She talked about you, too, said she was proud of all you’d accomplished.”

 

There’s silence for a few moments, and now Kaidan _really_ feels like he’s overstepped his bounds. He winces, pulling himself up, and stumbles toward the sleeping pods. It’s late, just before the end of second shift, and he should be in bed anyway.

 

But of course when he gets into his pod, Ashley opens hers and gives him a sly look.

 

Oh, no.

 

“You like him,” she says in a child-like voice, unable to hold back her glee.

 

“How… how did you figure that out?” he asks in spite of himself, wishing he could deny it. Either he’s too drunk or Ashley’s too good at getting information with her faux-innocent attitude.

 

“Um, it’s obvious? He looks at you, too, you know.”

 

He feels blood rush to his face. “Ash, I don’t think this is something we should be talking about.” Sure, it’s three in the morning, ship time, and nobody’s around, but still. Shepard’s quarters are right there. And sometimes he catches Dr. Chakwas awake in the middle of the night, when he can’t sleep due to a migraine.

 

Shit, he’s going to _get_ a damn migraine if this keeps up.

 

“But you like him,” she whispers. “Like, fourth-grade crush like him!”

 

He rolls his eyes. Kaidan does enjoy Ashley’s company, but sometimes she can be a bit much. He really doesn’t want a rumor of his ‘fourth-grade crush’ to roam the ship like the world’s most annoying fly.

 

“I need to get to bed.”

 

“L.T., why don’t you go talk to him?”

 

Kaidan stares at her. “At three o’clock in the morning?”

 

She waves her hand at him. “You know what i mean.”

 

“I do, and the answer is a final, resounding ‘no.’”

 

“Ugh, fine. Have it your way!”

 

“And don’t you dare say anything to anybody.”

 

It’s her turn to roll her eyes. “I’m a professional, Alenko. The only person I’ll talk about this with is you. Promise.”

 

He nods, softening a bit. “Okay. I’ll get over it. It’s just a crush.”

 

“Sure.” It sounds like she doesn’t believe him.

 

He’s not sure he believes himself.

 

***

 

Three days later, the Citadel calls Shepard back for a meeting, and the crew gets some much-needed shore leave. At first, he doesn’t want to leave the ship, preferring to remain in the quiet, but Ashley manages to drag him out to the wards. They meet up with Dr. Michel, and Kaidan discovers that he enjoys her company, though he hates Flux with a passion. It’s far too loud, the drinks just a tad too strong. It’s only been a few days since he woke up with a hangover and a streak of guilt a mile long for listening in on Shepard and Liara’s conversation.

 

When Chloe calls off, insisting she has an early shift in the morning, Ashley turns to him excitedly.

 

“Did you see the way he looked at you this morning, before we got off the ship? He’s totally into you, L.T.”

 

He feels the flush rising again - damn his complexion. “Ashley, I thought we weren’t going to talk about this any more.”

 

“Oh no, no, I never said that.” She takes a deep swig of her drink, some fruity concoction that looks like it’d taste like cough syrup. “I said I wouldn’t talk to anyone _else_ about it. You, however, are fair game.”

 

Kaidan sighs. “Ugh,” he responds eloquently.

 

“Look, I know you think I’m full of shit. But he likes you.”

 

“He likes the asari,” Kaidan insists.

 

“He thinks _you_ like the asari.”

 

“Oh god, did you hear that?” Please, let that not be true.

 

She laughs, full and bright. “Oh, yes. Half the crew did.”

 

Jesus.

 

“Well, that’s that, then. Guess I’ll die of embarrassment.”

 

She scoffs. “You and every other guy on the crew. I swear, you’re all the same. Just gotta make it with the blue chicks.”

 

“You can’t deny they’re gorgeous, though,” he says truthfully.

 

“Well, seein’ as I don’t swing that way, that’d be a weird thing for me to say. But I guess I can see the appeal on some level. Liara is very beautiful.”

 

“Yeah,” Kaidan mutters, staring into his whiskey.

 

“But she’s not who you want.”

 

“Obviously. Ash, we should get back to the ship.”

 

“Aw, c’mon, L.T. Live a little!”

 

“This is way more living than I want to be doing right now.” It’s true - he misses the pod, uncomfortable as it is. He’d gotten used to such arrangements a long time ago, of course, but the fact remains that hard beds haven’t changed since the beginning of warfare itself. Soldiers should be ready to sleep on the ground, he guesses. Still, it’s his place to go be alone, to drift off in the comfort of his own space, small as it is.

 

“Fine,” she says. “You’re such an old soul. I’m determined to get you out here more often. You need to relax a little!”

 

Kaidan feels a desperate need to explain the difference between introverts and extroverts to Ashley. “I do relax. In my pod. Alone.”

 

She gets a hilariously confused look on her face - Kaidan almost laughs at it before he figures that might be mean - and then, after a moment, it’s like a lightbulb goes off.

 

“So you mean… you like to, I don’t know, relax alone?”

 

“Pretty much the definition of relaxation, yeah.”

 

“I… guess I can see how that would work for someone?” she says, voice full of doubt.

 

“I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the invites, or even coming out every now and then,” he hastens to assure her. “It’s just that it can be a lot for me.”

 

“Your head, huh?” she asks, eyes full of sympathy.

 

“That’s part of it, yeah.”

 

Ashley blows out a breath. “I guess that’s fair. I’m just glad you came out, L.T. Even if I did want to talk about your little crush more.”

 

“It’s not important, Ash. Like I said, I’ll get over it.”

 

“I think you should keep an open mind, personally. I really think he sees something in you, Alenko.”

 

He highly doubts that, but he’s not about to say it to her. “Thanks, Ash. And you can call me Kaidan.”

 

“Kaidan, then.”

 

She kisses him on the cheek before he boards the ship. He watches her walk off into the false night of the Citadel, wondering what she’ll be up to for the rest of the night. Wondering about what she’d said about Shepard potentially having feelings for him. Hoping it’s true and loathing himself for it. Not just because it’s unlikely, but because Shepard is his commanding officer.

 

“So damn unprofessional,” he mutters to himself as decontamination releases him onto the ship. It takes him a moment to register that Shepard is standing on the other side with his arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

 

“What’s unprofessional?”

 

“Oh! Uh… I mean, it’s nothing, really.”

 

“Uh-huh,” Shepard says, grinning lightly. “How was your evening out with Chief Williams?”

 

“Oh, you knew we went out?”

 

“Joker said he caught the two of you whispering over drinks at Flux. Change your mind about the asari, Alenko?”

 

Ouch. What does he even say to that?

 

“Uh, no. I mean, not that I don’t appreciate her beauty. I do. It’s just not…”

 

“Hers meaning Williams or T’soni?”

 

“Uh… Ash is just a friend. And I don’t know about T’soni. She’s not my type.”

 

“Not really into aliens?”

 

“No! Not that. I don’t have any problem, I mean, it’s fine, really. And there’s nothing going on with me and Ash. I kind of, uh…” he rubs the back of his neck, not sure what to say.

 

Shepard seems to be enjoying how flustered he’s getting. Dammit.

 

“Well, I’ll leave you to your deliberation, then. Anderson invited me out for drinks. Figured joining him is the least I can do, after all he’s done for me.” Shepard yawns.

 

“You gonna go out there at this hour? J- Shepard, you’re tired. You should get a raincheck.”

 

John - Shepard, dammit - smiles ruefully. “Maybe. But Anderson’s been like a father to me, and he’s been looking forward to seeing me for a while. I’ll see you around, though.” He brushes past Kaidan, a clear dismissal. “But Alenko?”

 

“Yes, sir?”

 

“Make sure you get some real shore leave. I don’t want to see you cooped up on the ship this whole time.”

 

“You’re going to be working the whole time,” Kaidan points out, rather reasonably if he says so himself.

 

“I’m the commander of the ship, and a Spectre besides. You’re my lieutenant, and I say you need to get out a little more. Just a little. Promise me?”

 

“Take me out then,” he blurts out, then feels himself turn bright red yet again.

 

Shepard’s eyebrows look like they’re about to crawl right off his forehead now. “You want me to ask you out on a date?”

 

“Not… not like that, no. I just mean… I don’t do well in crowds or with strangers. We can go out, maybe you and me and a few of the crew? To a quieter place, maybe.”

 

Shepard looks… disappointed for a second, expression there and gone in the blink of an eye. Either that, or the whiskey’s hitting Kaidan harder than he thought.

 

“Yeah, sure. That’d be great,” Shepard responds. “I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

 

“Sounds great,” Kaidan says, thankful that his voice isn’t shaking.

 

“Alright. Get some sleep. You’ve earned it.”

 

“Sure thing, commander.”

 

He turns into the CIC and puts his head in his hands. There is no way he’s going to sleep tonight.

 

***

 

Kaidan’s busy trying to fix the damn busted computer for the umpteenth time when Liara stumbles onto the ship at zero dark thirty. She’s drunk, too, and while Kaidan doesn’t know her very well, it seems odd for her.

 

He’s even more surprised when she makes her way unsteadily to Shepard’s cabin door and knocks. It’s near three in the morning, and Shepard himself has been asleep for a couple of hours now.

 

When he opens the door, Shepard mumbles something to the asari and lets her in the cabin. What the fuck? Would he act that way with the whole crew? Kaidan’s heart drops into his stomach at the thought that there might be something between them.

 

He glances around surreptitiously to make sure the rest of the crew isn’t present, then sneaks toward Shepard’s door. Kaidan’s never been a huge voyeur, but there’s a chill up his spine that he can’t explain any other way. There’s something about the forbidden nature of this act that does it for him, though he’s not really here to listen to them if there is something sexual or romantic going on. He just wants to know if there _is_.

 

It takes him some effort to find the right position, but he can finally hear most of what’s being said, and context clues help him figure out the rest.

 

“... it’s just that I always thought I’d follow in my mother’s footsteps. She’s… she was never a warm person, but I knew she cared about me. I knew she supported me even if she didn’t understand.” Liara sounds like she’s near tears.

 

“I get it, hey, I get it,” Shepard says, muffled like maybe he’s hugging her to his chest. Kaidan feels a pang of jealousy, not that Shepard’s his to get jealous over. “I lost my parents too, a long time ago. Never really knew my mom, and I still miss her. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, having known her, but I want to be sure you know I’m here for you. And for any of my crew that needs me,” he adds, which gives Kaidan a little bit of selfish hope.

 

He feels awful for doing this. Perhaps he should back away, but some part of him, that selfish part, keeps him rooted to the spot.

 

“You’re a great man, Commander Shepard,” Liara simpers, and Kaidan can practically see the stars in her eyes. “Humanity needs people like you, good people, to show the galaxy how much you truly belong.”

 

“Uh, thank you, Liara. It’s a little late now. Are you okay going to bed?”

 

“Yes, I… thank you, Commander. I’ll try to get some sleep now.”

 

There’s movement on the other side of the door. Kaidan moves back as quickly as he can, but it seems he’d underestimated how close to the door the occupants were. He’s only three steps away and backing up fast enough to nearly bowl over when Liara exits with Shepard right behind her. There’s no way to pretend he’s been doing anything other than eavesdropping.

 

This moment would be hilarious if he were anyone else, if he were watching from the other side of the deck. As it is, it’s the most humiliating moment of his life. Liara stares in shock, which is bad enough, but the disappointment on Shepard’s face is clear as day.

 

Kaidan clears his throat. “Uh… hello, Commander. I was just… well…” he flounders, rubbing the back of his neck in his nervousness. “I mean…”

 

Shepard sighs and puts his head in his hands, muttering something that sounds like _I don’t have the energy for this right now._ He shakes it off and turns from tired man to ship’s Commander in a second.

 

“Well, Lieutenant, I think we’d probably better have a chat.”

 

Kaidan swallows audibly. “Yeah, I guess we should, huh.”

 

“Liara, go get some sleep. We can talk in the morning if you still need to. My cabin is open to all of my crew.”

 

“I… yes, Commander. Thank you.” She rushes off to the sleeper pods, embarrassed for both herself and for Kaidan, who watches her go with melancholic guilt.

 

The Commander sighs again and gestures toward Kaidan, leaving the door open behind him. Kaidan takes a deep breath and follows.

 

He’s surprised at how sparse the cabin is. There’s a little desk in the corner and a tiny bed, a radio, and an armor locker, and that’s about it. It’s much better than some Commanders get - hell, some of them end up sleeping in the pods - but he’d expected the _Normandy_ to have more upgraded Captain’s quarters nonetheless. Then again, he’s never particularly liked soft beds. Not since Basic, anyway. He imagines most military members feel the same.

 

Surprisingly, Shepard allows him to sit on the bed right next to him, which makes Kaidan extremely uncomfortable. He plants his butt on the very edge, half held up by his thighs, until Shepard raises an unimpressed eyebrow and Kaidan grudgingly relaxes.

 

“You want to tell me what that was about, Lieutenant?”

 

“Uh, well… I, uh, needed to come and ask you a question, and I heard Liara in there. I just waited next to the door. Nearly fell asleep.”

 

“Uh-huh,” Shepard replies, not buying it for a minute. “And just what were you going to ask me about?”

 

“Well, uh, we’re headed to… the Horse Head Nebula next, right?” Kaidan’s reaching, he knows. “Isn’t that where Wrex’s family armor was the last time he saw it?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh. Uh, I wanted to be on the ground team for that. You know. Wherever it is located.”

 

“Because?”

 

“Because, uh… I really respect Wrex. And I want to help him get his armor back. It’s important to him.” Truth is, Kaidan hasn’t spent a lot of time with Wrex, though he knows the krogan has a grudging respect for him. He seems to understand that the L2 biotics have a rough time of it, and he’s told Kaidan outright that he’s impressed with how much control Kaidan has with them. Still, they probably aren’t close enough for this to have come up. Kaidan only knows about it from Ashley, who’d overheard Shepard and the krogan discussing it.

 

“Okay. Well,” Shepard says, closing his eyes as if to ask the spirits for strength, “I’d like to know why you needed to ask that at three o’clock in the morning.”

 

“Oh. I, uh, I guess I couldn’t sleep.” Which is not untrue.

 

“Right. Kaidan, please cut with the bullshit. Why were you listening in on our conversation? I know you and Liara have a good relationship. You could’ve asked her to make sure she’s okay.”

 

“I know,” Kaidan whines, feeling like a cockroach. Less than a cockroach. “I just… I wanted to make sure there was nothing going on between the two of you,” he finishes in a mumble.

 

“Why do you care?” Shepard asks cautiously.

 

“Because I’m kind of… crushing on you.”

 

Shepard stares at him for a long moment. This can’t be news to the Commander; it’s not like Kaidan’s been very subtle about this, or at least that’s what Ashley tells him. He’s constantly ‘mooning’ over the Commander, according to her.

 

He squirms under Shepard’s gaze. The seconds tick by slowly, each one feeling like an eternity. Kaidan can almost hear the clock in his head. He has no idea what Shepard is thinking, but he wishes he would say _something_. Anything. Even if it’s kicking him off the ship. This silence is killing him.

 

He glances over. Shepard seems torn, over what, Kaidan can only guess. There’s a gleam in his eyes that might indicate interest. Or it could be amusement. And there’s a pained expression on Shepard’s face, too, that Kaidan interprets as _I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this._ After all, it’s not every day a commanding officer has to deal with an admission of interest from his inferior.

 

Suddenly, Shepard stands up and paces away from the bed, locking his hands behind his back. Kaidan’s heartbeat bumps up a notch. Then Shepard turns around and stands right in front of Kaidan, who is still sitting on the bed, feeling very confused.

 

Hot breath leaves Shepard’s chest in a rush. Kaidan takes a deep breath in, praying for strength. It feels like he’s dangling on the edge of a precipice, at the mercy of this fascinating, complex man standing just inches from him.

 

“Lieutenant… Kaidan… look,” Shepard sighs, and Kaidan’s heart drops into his stomach. “This isn’t a good idea. I’ve made it a point not to fraternize, even though I look the other way when my crew members do it. We all need to find comfort where we can. But as the commanding officer of this vessel, I cannot be seen with another Alliance officer.”

 

Kaidan nods, bitterness rising in his throat. “But someone who isn’t an Alliance member… say, an alien… those are just fine, aren’t they?”

 

Shepard firms his jaw and looks down at Kaidan, fire in his eyes. “You’re out of line, Lieutenant,” he warns.

 

Kaidan feels too hurt to back down, even though he knows he’ll regret it later. “Am I? Why would it be different if it was an Alliance officer as opposed to an asari? You have to work with both of us, so the same concerns about favoritism would apply. You know full well that would be the Alliance’s stance if we had multi-species crews.”

 

He’s having to crane his neck uncomfortably to see Shepard’s face, but what he sees causes a shiver to brush its fingers down his spine. _Christ_ , it looks like the man wants to eat him for breakfast.

 

“I love how you assume that I want the asari.”

 

“Don’t you?” Kaidan spits.

 

Shepard tilts his head to the right, reminding him of a predator watching its prey. Kaidan realizes that he’s rock hard in his BDUs, dick pressing against the uniform painfully. Then he looks straight ahead and sees that Shepard is having a similar problem, and all rational thought flies out the window.

 

He swallows thickly. “Or… is it… um…”

 

In a heartbeat, Shepard is on him, pushing him back on the bed and kissing him. It’s wet and messy and perfect, everything that Kaidan had dreamed it would be and more. Shepard tastes faintly of mint from brushing his teeth before bed. His scent surrounds Kaidan, trapped against his bedsheets like he is, something like wood and fresh autumn leaves. He inhales deeply and it’s like getting high.

 

Kaidan falls into Shepard, losing himself. The next thing he’s aware of, Shepard’s pulling him up to straddle his thighs, gathering him close and deepening their kisses. Kaidan doesn’t fight now, either, caught up in the whirlwind that is John Shepard.

 

The Commander starts rutting up against him. Kaidan can feel his hard length pressing into his own, and goddamn that feels good. His hips move seductively as he grinds down against Shepard, causing him to gasp his pleasure into Kaidan’s mouth. It gives him a surge of confidence, and he grinds down harder.

 

That seems to wake a beast inside the Commander, who flips them around and lays Kaidan out on the bed, crawling between his legs. Kaidan gets lost in the haze of pleasure as Shepard takes control, moving against him for all he’s worth.

 

It’s not long before he’s begging, though he’s not sure what for. Shepard to keep going? To let him come? Or maybe for Shepard to stop, because on some level Kaidan realizes that they shouldn’t be doing this, no matter how good - how _right_ \- it feels. Shepard just swallows his quiet pleas and doesn’t let up for a second.

 

When his climax hits, Kaidan nearly blacks out, it feels so good. He’s pretty sure it’s the strongest orgasm he’s ever had. He barely registers Shepard following him over the cliff, but the sound he makes sends sparks shooting up his spine anyway.

 

Shepard rolls to the side, and then they lie together, breathing heavily, for several minutes. The afterglow is fantastic, making Kaidan’s limbs feel like lead, like Shepard had just sucked the stress out of him through his dick. But predictably, the guilt creeps in little by little, and by the time he’s caught his breath, Kaidan’s sick to his stomach with it.

 

Even worse, it seems Shepard feels the same. His eyes have lost the warmth they had held before; they’re not exactly cold, but they’re guarded in a way that makes Kaidan feel more than a little uncomfortable. It’s what he’d expect from a typical CO. Shepard had never looked at him like that, not even when they’d hardly known each other.

 

Kaidan stands up and tries to make himself look presentable, which is difficult to do when one’s pants are full of drying come, but he does his best to stride to the door with as much dignity as he can muster. He can’t help himself from turning around before he leaves, though, looking back at Shepard in the hopes that something’s changed in the last half minute.

 

Shepard meets his eyes, regret and disappointment clear in his gaze, and briefly, Kaidan wonders if that disappointment is aimed at him or Shepard himself. Not that it matters.

 

“You should go,” Shepard says in a small voice.

 

“I… yeah. You’re right. Good night, Commander.”

 

He’s not sure, but he thinks he hears Shepard whisper, “Good night, Kaidan,” as he walks out.

 

At least Shepard’s still calling him by his first name. That’s about all he can hope for at this point.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so.... this was supposed to be a hot little story full of porn and it turned into a mostly teen-rated angst fest. Go me? 
> 
> I promise I'll have a chapter two and it'll end happier than this one did.


End file.
